Bones

So it's 3 weeks until I leave San diego, and the trip back will take 6 days, yeah, long as hell, but for 2 reasons. First, until we hit South Carolina we are gonna have a trailer haulings my roomates truck, second is, we are taking a detour to New Orleans to have a little fun.

First stop is Flagstaff, not too much there other than a red lobster. Second stop is Amarillo texas, I am really not a big fan of texas, but we found this really good hole in the wall pit BBQ and bar that we wanna go to, that'll be good eatin'. Third stop was supposed to be in North Little Rock, but after looking around for things to do we found they are smack dab in the middle of the bible belt, everything closes early as hell and we would probably get lynched for swearing in public or something stupid, so we decided to detour to New Orleans for a bit of sin. And we figured if we go to there we may as well stay a day. After that we're headed to S.C. to drop off scott and his stuff, I figure I'll stay the night and atleast get a good southern breakfast out of the south before I never have to cross the mason dixon line again. I'm not getting back home til about midnight of the next day of travel, but I'll still get there, and the morning of the 12th I will have woken up to the first day of my new life.

Now to the title of this entry, I like to imagine my coming back as a whirlwind hitting our small town, but in actuallity it's gonna be more of a gradual process. These last few months have been crazy for me and I've changed in some way(no I'm not coming back as a woman). Some of you have heard me say that I have figured out the answer, you will all soon learn what that means. I'll give you a hint, it starts with a delicious meat patty.

This is not like my recent posts. I was watching an episode of American Dad in which a scene plays out where Roger asks Steve if he would like to play a game of Jenga. This brought me to remember how I told a bunch of elementary school students at the after school program I worked at that the creators of jenga were a brazilian family that lived in poverty whose only means of entertainment was to carve blocks of wood from bamboo chutes and play the game we all know today as jenga.

This got me to wonder about the true origins of Jenga and I found this on wikipedia:

Jenga is a game of physical and mental skill created by Leslie Scott, and marketed by the Milton Bradley Company, a division of Hasbro. In Jenga, players take turns to remove a block from a tower and balance it on top, creating a higher and increasingly unstable structure as the game progresses. The word jenga is derived from kjenga, the Swahili verb "to build"; jenga! is the imperative form.


So there you have it, there are about 30 people who will be adults shortly that are living a lie.

I have spoken a lot about how great I am and what an asset that is. I think we all do that at some point to some extent. Whether it's egotism or confidence is usually in the eye of the beholder.

But a couple days ago a change happened in me. The nightmares are gone and I sleep easily, I can look at myself in the mirror again and smile, I have have (yeah I know its gay) a song back in my heart that I walk the to the beat of.

I think I have forgiven myself. A week ago I would have said that forgiving oneself of a sin is bullshit, but what they say is right, you have to learn to forgive yourself first. After wrestling with it for such a long time admitting I was an atrocity was what moved my dilema along. To apologize and to be sorry are totally different things. One can apologize all day long and not be sorry. But someone who is sorry truly means to correct their mistake, and admitting to the problem and working to fix it is the first step to forgiveness.

I don't think forgiving yourself entails shrugging off whatever you have done and going about it with a whatever attitude, patting yourself on the back and saying buck up kiddo. I think it is merely recognizing in yourself whats wrong and having a willingness to change that.

And now my days are brighter than ever.

But this whole ordeal has taken its toll on me mentally. I am a lot stronger now emotionally, but my mental stability is iffy. I'd never doing anything to harm myself or others sadistically, but it will take some time for me to "get it back together". I know its not too far of a stretch from the Dan you all know, but I find myself laughing maniacally and I relive old memories for a few seconds here and there a handful of times daily as if I were actually back in that time and place. It's scary because for those few seconds I don't have control, any dialogue I have in those memories I say outloud, actions aswell to an extent. I am so deathly afraid of losing my mind.

I face overwhelming opposition and on my darker days I have all but given up. Then I think of how this is no different than anything else in all the history of mankind. This isn't something unique only to myself, something that makes my situation different than anyone elses. In fact we all have basically the same problem, and that is to overcome adversity. Sure people have said it brings out the best and the worst in us, but I say the worst of us are those diseased with complacency. It is when we as people do nothing that all that we fear occurs. This is not to say that just trying alone is enough, but its a start, and all I can do right now is walk forward with the courage to face my past. That monster I have become is now staring at me at the end of my path, and today I shall start toward him. I will beat these shadows that haunt me and step into the light for the first time in a long time.

From what I understand the ability to repent revolves around 2 things. First is the want and ability to forgive yourself, and second the want and ability for the agrieved party to forgive you.

Right now I don't know how possible either of those are. I sit wallowing in my own self pity and loathing all the time, crippling me, and its like putting on crap shaded glasses. And if I cannot forgive myself how could I ever ask the forgiveness of another.

Tv really glamourizes people that are breaking down, there is always someone willing to go all out to reach out to that person and pull them back. I have no such person, I am here alone in california cut off from everyone.

I'm losing my mind, I really am. And if it was not for my fear of losing control of my actions I think I would have lost it already.


All is not lost though, there is a glimmer of hope. I'm Dan fucking Stevenson, and with that name comes everything anyone could ever need. Good or bad there is not a person I know that has accomplished what I have and there is no one that could ever come close to what I can do. Someone might say that I'm just being egomaniacle, but its the truth. I have made impacts in this world people could only dream of. And when I set about to doing something it gets done with gusto. And I'm going to deal with this the best way I know how, spite.

Yes, spite. If I'm really gonna play on my strengths that is it. My love of spite runs deep, and I have much to get over this when it comes to spite. It may make me a worst person but I'm going to beat the fuck out of this one way or another.

And like a flash flood I am visited by every sin of my past. What kind of monster have I become? I can't even bear to look at myself in the mirror anymore. And I started off with the best of intentions.

I this just who I truly am? A twisted dried up cold shadow of what I thought I was?

Maybe this is just the struggle that goes on inside everyone. I know I am not without some sort of good inside. I've donated over a gallon of blood, before I left for the military I helped out with the flood efforts, the main reason I joined the military was for a noble purpose. But were those just lies I tell myself to make me think that I am good? But what about all the people I help with their personal problems? I bear anyones problems to help them out of an empathetic compassion that won't allow me to do otherwise.

Either way I am still ashamed of what I have become, reguardless of my past good deeds, actions speak louder than words and to some I can only imagine the twisted figure they see when they look at me.

The day of my judgement is coming soon, I can only hope that I can overcome this struggle before it consumes me.

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No I'm not getting deployed, I am referring to a trip into the desert I am taking tomorrow. It was kind of a spur of the moment kind of thing, but I feel like I really need to go. I'm also going to be going alone, I'll be out there for 2-3 days with nothing but my knife, some water, and the need to find out what draws me there.

None of you should worry though, I have plenty of survival training. I just want to pack light to save time and energy.





But why do I need to go so bad?

It's not very welcome in my life, I love me, a lot. So I think I'm gonna stop. I don't know how people can just sit around feeling bad all the time, it's so tiring. I'm probably gonna tell you guys why when I come home for good this august.

So I started a new ritual that on every friday I go and get a new CD, this weeks pick is the notorious BIG, I love big poppa, who doesn't. The only crappy thing is all these CD's I'm getting, I'm only getting for like 1-3 songs out of the whole CD, and I refuse to support apple or the ipod and there itunes. And Pirating is illegal.

I think I'm losing my mind, like for real. It's (forgive the play on words) maddening.

So I finally decided to do something about my health. I won't lie, losing weight is mainly motivated by vanity. But in my defense I have always suffered from a poor self body image. But there are many benefits that I can use to justify this. I've dropped to 175 lbs from 195 lbs in about 4 months. And 7 of those are just from 2 mondays ago. I started that cutting 500 calories a day thing to try and drop a pound a week, but I think my metabolism is higher than what the formula spits out at me. I also got a membership to LA fitness and I work out with a personal trainer. I hope to have my first beach bod ever by this bikini season.

It's so hard though, I LOVE FOOD, it is one of my passions in life to eat deliciously. But people have been noticing my weight loss and it makes me feel good and motivated to keep at it. And it's only until I hit my target weight, which is whatever my weight will be when I can see abs clearly defined on my stomach. They're there, I can feel them, they just can't be seen.

And as always I hunger to get out of the military and go home. I definatly reccomend the military for anyone who pissed there chances away in high school, but I'm so done. However, I have started working on my legacy. I selected 3 young marines each skilled in there own way to compensate for me leaving, not that I'm hot shit but I kind of am. But one is the most intelligent person I have ever met and why he is enlisted in the marines is a mystery to everyone. He's especially good with computers. Another one is really crafty with the potential to become the next puppetmaster(aka someone who can manipulate people and get in their heads, I currently am the puppetmaster but thats a whole nother post) And the other is getting really good at what we do as far as our job in the military. So essentially what I have done is picked out the 3 people that exemplify what I am best at and haved formed them into a tightknit group. And hopefully they each get really good at what I picked them for exceeding me in their own way. It's going to be a long raod though.

So Dani and Danger are now in NJ. For those of you that do not know, Dani and I decided it's more financially sound to have her go back now and have her folks watch Dnager during the day while she works. She couldn't do it here because of the costs of childcare. But its not as bad as if I were deployed, we can talk everyday. So if you wanna see Danger or Dani you can. He's gotten big, you'd think he was 2, which if you didn't know he was only ! you'd think he was mentally undeveloped for his seemingly age of 2 lol. But I think I miss him the most. I miss Danielle in a different way, while she is the other half of my life, Danger is the product of our love(i know, gay).

So, I am under a federal investigation. As some of you know there was a jet crash in San Diego last December. That jet came from my squadron. Since then they've kept a close watch on things. I am an inspector of other people's work on the jets due to my knowledge and experience(it's called being a CDI). And as a CDI I am ultimatly responsible on the quality of work being done, well you're only supposed to have 1 CDI per job, but I was the only one working a couple fridays ago(we have 4 total but the others were gone) so I was on 6 different jobs just floating around. Well on one job another quality assurance rep found damage that he says I should have caught. Well the officers made a big stink about it and has NCIS investigating me. Oh well, I was luckily able to get 7 other guys off the hook, they were just new guys that don't know any better. And I have the support of most of my chain of command. Either way I'm not only fighting it, I am stomping it into the ground.

There is a newish show on cartoon network called Batman the brave and the bold. It's kind of like an omage to the old style comics with current themes. But its incredible. There was this one episode where Batman goes to an alternate Earth, he returns to his world only to find his evil counterpart owlman has tarnished his name and Batman is forced to team up with the joker. It was a fantastic episode, I hope you all get a chance to watch it, the joker was incredibly written.

Remember that jet crash I mentioned? Well it has been haunting me every day. I was not responsible for why it crashed, but I lead the team that sorted through the debris, and everytime I shut my eyes I can only see the burnt clothes and toys of the 2 littles girls that died in the crash. I sifted through family album and picture frames, all kinds of things that I'm sure meant a lot to that family. And all we had to find was the little black box. I don't know why it effects me so bad, I didn't know them and it wasn't my fault. I feel so bad for the families one survivor.

I have never thought I needed to deal with my negative feelings, my mother taught me how to be the rock upon which people can depend upon which hardened me to such things. I'll admit I've had some weak moments and have at one point contemplated suicided. But I've guarded those moments carefully. But recently I've begun to feel for other people and it makes me feel bad. I am not sure if this is sympathy or empathy. But I can normally just supress these feelings before they ever come up, but now more and more as time goes on I feel for people. It's almost enough to overwhelm me. Luckily I am so full of myself my ego would not allow it to happen lol.

I am so ready to get out of the military though, I can taste the freedom just a scant 5 months in the distance.

I think that may be the word I am looking for. Maybe these are just rants.

Anyway...

So work is same old same old stuff. I am tired of "crusading" because frankly I have about 6 months left before I check out of the military. Yet for some reason I can't help but to do it just the same, no one else will. But pretty much it's me versus damn near everyone enlisted that is higher ranking than me. We got this new Sgt. Major who came from the grunt side of things, and of course coming to the Airwing side of things he wants to "fix" us. Long story short he spent a couple weeks fucking with peoples lives who live on base and no one would stand up to him. Now their well being and living conditions fall on my shoulders (and with over 100 people thats a lot of weight to bear). I've never been in the position to effect so many peoples lives. But like I said, no one else is standing up to the higher ups, so I did, out of that wierd compulsion.


Then after that fell on my lap, it could be I'm mad with power, or that I'm just a dreamer, but I started thinking of ways to improve muholly for everyone. Not even from a political office standpoint, but as a citizen with a voice and the huevos to stand up for something. I'll get into these ideas at a later date.


So the whole house is sick, Danger has this cough that just breaks my heart. I had to take him to the emergency room after he got a mid grade fever a couple days ago. Just got back from taking Dani for an ear infection that was really painful for her. So I figure I'm next on the list lol.

I watched the titans cardinals game at the bar today, I don't really like either team, but I had fun. I haven't really followed the season this year, or the last few years, but I am looking forward to the Eagles giants game tomorrow.


I'm so tired though, this whole week I maybe got a few hours of sleep. Hopefully next week will be better. I feel that I have grown up a little last weekend. Back when I first got here I hung out with a group of people that were the "A" list people in our shop. Maybe about 6-8 of us. But as time went on and people got married or had kids or got gf's that kept their balls in her purse we stopped hanging out as much and the only times we did when it was a holiday party type of thing. We started needing a reason I guess. So then I started trying to throw parties all the times and I invited tons of people. They were always huge blowouts(I throw a monster party) but last weekend we got as many people from our original group together for a little bbq thing, nothing big, and I had more fun doing that than the big parties I've been throwing. I think I'll just try and do that from now on.

I really just can't wait to come home, and get back to my life. The military is cool for some people, and it was a nice springboard for me, but it will never be my life. Speaking of coming back you guys will get to meet my roomate scott, he is driving back to NJ with me when I get out so I don't drive alone(we're sending dani and danger via aeronautical conveiance trans continent). Make sure you guys buy some of the good shit for my welcome home celebration lol.

Finally I have gotten the.....motivation to go to my education office and sign up for some classes. Nothing major, just a math and english class to get me refreshed. I'm gonna go to the community college, so they will probably transfer since BCC and my CC are on the same page as far as catering to the military. If for some reason they don't oh well, no biggy, I just wanna get my mind back in the mode so that when I go full time this next fall I won't feel lost in the sauce.

I think I wanna do something engineery, maybe civil engineering. They all sound interesting and I'm good at math, but I am still pretty unsure. Luckily most engineering degrees have a lot of the same classes needed(math and shit).

Danielle and I talk a lot nowadays about getting out and back home. It makes it feel that much more real and tangible. I'm very excited. Plus with this new GI bill I'll get paid living costs while going to school full time on the governments dime. They're still hammering out the wrinkles but it'll take effect one month before I get out.

I am posting from my new phone. This is only a test.

So I just got the new google phone today, OMG is it sick.

.....


yeah.....

I never really cared who became the next president one way or another, but as I sit here and read up on current events I cannot help but to feel relief that Obama is our next president.

There are many who believe that he is the anti-christ as told by a prophecy in the bible, my own mother is convinced all the pieces fit, but they are flimsy at best. Some also call him a socialist, which he very well may be, but capitalism needs a new breath of fresh air if it is to survive in the new changing world. There are good things and bad things about any government or financial institution, so perhaps we should take a bit of socialism with a grain of salt.

Don't get me wrong I am an American through and through, but I am not stupid, any institution that cannnot change and adapt to new things is destined to die out.

Take this for example, Obama wants to give 25 billion to domestic automakers. On the surface that sure does look bad. But look at the longer reaching effects. The money is supposed to go to research into make better fuel economy vehicles that are affordable the the average joe, which will in turn reduce our dependance on foreign oil in the long run. With less money being spent on gas more money can go to our economy.

I was also reading an article about how he plans on overturning a ton of Bush's policies. I won't get into it more than that, but Obama is not even president and he is being this proactive towards unfucking our nation.

After reading some of these articles I couldn't help but to feel safer and more secure than I have in a long time. Many of you only have to worry about you, and thats fine, but for those of us with kids or a house to pay off, Obama is a godsend. I have never voted before in my life, but this next election I am going to vote for Obama if he plans on running again.

I got breakfast this morning and peeled my stickers off my large coke, and there it was, 100K, I was a little skeptic at first but it said 100K and wasn't a colored piece like the other's, just a black McD's border. So I took it in to the store to make sure but the phillipino manager didn't know what I was asking so I went back to my car to call the McD HQ about it when I saw that it was one of 2 pieces that would win 100K, the piece was Arches Avenue. Very misleading and I was very disapointed.

JUST TALKIN ABOUT DANGER.

Finally I can share pix with you guys without the hassle of anything with effort. Anyway my account/album name is Nikostratus, just do a search on that and you should see it.